Toddler’s Slide: The Game There will be a TL;DR at the end. ~ I’ll keep it brief - this card game sucks. But it sucks in a very specific, highly charming way. The benefit of this experience over others is how fast it is. Matches can be done in mere minutes. There is virtually no strategy involved - aside from acquiring the most ideal cards. Every turn, you play all cards in your hand, no matter what; there’s basically no strategy involved, you just have to make sure that every time you get a hand, it’s strong when you play each card. At the beginning, your entire deck is just basic cards that give you coin - which allow you to purchase cards from the store, which is random and available to both your opponent and yourself. There are two basic kinds of cards: ships and bases. Once a base is played, it’s out of your deck and remains in play until an enemy destroys it with damage. There are 4 factions with their own cards which synergize when same-flag cards are in play: The Federation has great economy and keeps you healed up The Empire allows you to overwhelm your opponent by drawing cards and discarding theirs The Bots give you tons of utility and the ability to trim down your hand to adapt The Blob is big damage. The Blob is king. What does this mean? It means that strategy devolves into simple pattern recognition and synergies. Some cards are better than others, and some synergies are more powerful based on what you have. Between the luck of the market and playing your hand to completion, it can cause some incredibly strange plays to occur without effort. Play your hand - the Federation and Empire synergies cause you to chain together an unlikely sting of cards where you heal 12 hitpoints and deal 20 damage in one turn. The next turn you play a trade ship and a few bases. It’s random. No matter how random, justified, or clever one might be - it just boils down to purchasing the best available options at the time. You don’t buy blob units unless you already have some, and you don’t get cards that don't synergize with your deck. Maybe get a scrapper bot card to shred your beginner cards and make your deck a bit better, or opt for the Federation Trade ship for the ramp, even if there’s little to no synergy. You get bases because they make your deck more eloquent and soak up damage - and you get ships for their active effects. It becomes challenging to break the cycle, and there’s not much room to interrupt the steady and brain-numbing flow of the game’s natural pacing. The game is clearly unfinished. It hardly stands on its own legs - it’s janky, awkward, and hardly functions as a card game. But why do I keep playing it? There’s an aspect of turning your brain off and the drastic lack of fairness that makes the game both painlessly quick, low stakes, and entertaining all the same. It’s a micro gambling addiction with pretty music and good card art. I don’t like what the developers did by stringing together a veritable army of neigh-worthless DLC packs to try and con people into paying a lot more for this glorified Flash title than it will ever be worth. All the same, I enjoy playing this game every so often against the AI, the campaign challenges are nice, and chatting with friends as we lob our cards at each other is always welcome. The lack of vision, bad balance, and baffling lack of design eloquence is shockingly poor - yet through the blunderous and fickle creation - there is a solid core that keeps you playing over and over, win or loss, for the lightning quick matches that blur together when you step away. ~ TL;DR 5.5/10 Star Realms is a Competent game. It’s like that short little slide you had growing up, the plastic one in the backyard: you kept on giggling and laughing, tumbling down its decline before rushing around and taking the few steps to enjoy it again - and then again. In retrospect it’s hard to remember why - with the cheap half-melted and dusty plastic offering only a shallow slope as it rattles in place. Maybe you were young and easily impressed, maybe you were bored and that's all you had, maybe you were with friends, maybe you were a little adrenaline junkie. At any rate, there’s no denying that running in circles to enjoy that insipid little slide was enjoyable, albeit simple. Maybe simple isn’t bad. Low quality and cynically designed as that moronic slide was, there’s never denying that tug on your senses once you reach its base - clamoring to feel its simple joys just one more time.
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