> be me, stuck in a prison ๐ > but not your typical "bars and orange jumpsuits" prison ๐งก > more like "welcome to the world of physics, hope you paid attention in school" prison ๐ง > you've got a magnetic gun, so that's pretty cool, right? ๐งฒ > spoiler alert: it's not ๐ซ > first puzzle: push the box with your magnet ๐ฆ > easy peasy, I'm basically Magneto now ๐ > second puzzle: do some weird magnetic gymnastics to get across a giant pit ๐คธโโ๏ธ > oops, fell into the pit and died ๐ > reload checkpoint, try again ๐ > meet the prison warden ๐ผ > he's like if Jigsaw from "Saw" had a baby with GLaDOS ๐ > keeps telling you what to do with this creepy voice ๐ป > pretty sure he's watching you through a thousand hidden cameras ๐ท > tries to be helpful but mostly just laughs when you mess up ๐ > and by "laughs" I mean "presses a button that opens a trapdoor and you fall into lava" ๐ฅ > anyway, solve a bunch of puzzles ๐งฉ > some are easy, some are "how do I even do this?" ๐ค > start to think game developers are trolling me ๐ > they have this weird sense of humor ๐คก > "Oh, you think you can just push that box? LOL, good luck!" ๐คช > I swear they put in red herrings just to mess with your head ๐ฃ > make some progress, feeling pretty good about myself ๐ช > then there's this puzzle with magnets pulling you in opposite directions โ๏ธ > what is this, a metaphor for life? > the answer: just hit random buttons and pray ๐ > somehow manage to get through without dying ๐คฏ > barely ๐
> reach the end, but wait, there's multiple endings ๐ > depending on your choices, you could either escape or... not ๐ช > all those hours of brain-bending puzzles for... what, exactly? ๐คทโโ๏ธ > left wondering if I escaped or just entered a different cage ๐ > in conclusion, it's like playing "Portal" if the portal gun hated you ๐ > challenging, hilarious, and a great way to realize how bad you are at physics ๐ > highly recommended if you enjoy puzzles and dying repeatedly ๐คฆโโ๏ธ > bring a friend for moral support and a physics textbook ๐ > good luck, and may the magnets be ever in your favor! ๐ Blackmore's Night - Temple Of The King One day in the year of the cell, Came a time remembered well, When the bright young gal in the orange suit, Heard the echoes of the warden's yell. One day in the year of the cell, When the buzzer began to ring, It meant the time had come for her to find The exit of the cage. There in the middle of the trap-filled maze, Running, hoping, With just one zap of her magnetic gun, The pathway would unfold. Daylight waits while the guards all shout, "Escape is futile!" And then, like the rush of a metal wave, The magnet pulls her through, And the day had just begun. One day in the year of the cell, Came a time remembered well, When the brave young gal in the orange suit, Heard the ringing of a warning bell. One day in the year of the cell, When the klaxon began to wail, It meant the time had come for her to move Through the cage-filled maze. There in the center of the control room, Searching, thinking, With just a twist of her glowing hand, She's launched, To the next area. Far from the cage at the edge of the field, She's leaping, soaring, Thinking back to the tales she'd heard Of puzzles, traps, and lore. There in the middle of the prison hall, Heaven help her, Then all could see by the look in her eyes, The solution had been found. Back with the guards in the corridor, She stands, Dodging, leaping, With just one pulse from her magnetic gun, Sheโs gone, Escaping from the cage. [Title card: "HONEST TRAILERS - MAGNETIC: CAGE CLOSED"] Narrator: From the developers who probably spent too much time in physics class and the publishers who think magnets are super cool, comes the game that asks the question, "What if Portal had a baby with a magnet factory and then sent that baby to prison?" It's time to explore the twisted world of... [Flashing text: "MAGNETIC: CAGE CLOSED"] Narrator: You are a prisoner in a high-tech labyrinth filled with deadly traps, intimidating guards, and puzzles that make you question if you really know anything about magnetism at all. It's a world where the laws of physics are more like suggestions, and the only way out is to master the power of magnets. Yeah, remember high school science class? Neither do we. [Cut to game footage of the player struggling with a magnetic puzzle, accompanied by comical sound effects. Then cut to Magneto (from X-Men) entering the screen.] Magneto: Magnets, you say? How quaint. I control all metal with my mind! But this... this is a bit much, even for me. Seriously, who designed these puzzles? And why are there so many trapdoors? Narrator: That's right, Magneto, because in this game, you can push, pull, and manipulate objects with your magnetic gun. But just when you think you're getting the hang of it, BOOM! Another trapdoor. It's like the developers had a grudge against anyone who passed Physics 101. [Cut to Eustass Kidd (from One Piece) flexing his mechanical arm.] Eustass Kidd: You call those magnets? Amateur hour. If I were in this game, I'd have cleared the whole thing in, like, five minutes. I'd just pull the entire prison down with my magnetic powers. Done! Narrator: Sure, Kidd, but where's the fun in that? This game is about solving puzzles and finding your way through a twisted labyrinth, not about breaking everything in sight. Although, come to think of it, breaking stuff would be much easier. [Cut to TOM, the AI from "The Turing Test."] TOM: Ah, puzzles. My specialty. If you need a sentient AI to solve them, I'm your guy. But even I have to say, these magnetic puzzles are a bit much. Have you considered just taking a wrench to the whole thing? Seems more efficient. Narrator: Thanks, TOM, but we're trying to avoid breaking everything. Besides, what would be left for GLaDOS to do if you solved all the puzzles? [Cut to GLaDOS, the AI from "Portal."] GLaDOS: Oh, I'm just here to laugh at your misery. I mean, solving puzzles is fun and all, but watching you struggle with magnets is just so much more entertaining. By the way, did you fall into a trapdoor yet? Because if not, you're doing it wrong. Narrator: Thanks for the vote of confidence, GLaDOS. So, if you enjoy dying repeatedly, getting lost in mazes, and listening to a prison warden who's one cackle away from full-on villain status, then "Magnetic: Cage Closed" is the game for you. [Cut to Ava, the protagonist from "The Turing Test."] Ava: If you need me, I'll be in my own game, where the puzzles make sense, and the only thing I have to worry about is TOM going rogue. Good luck with your magnets and trapdoors. Narrator: So grab your magnetic gun, put on your best puzzle-solving face, and get ready to spend hours solving puzzles that would make even Einstein scratch his head. It's a physics puzzle game with more plot twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Welcome to... [Flashing text: "MAGNETIC: CAGE CLOSED."] Narrator: And remember, if you don't like the puzzles, there's always Eustass Kidd to tear the place down for you. Good luck! [End title card: "HONEST TRAILERS"] In a prison where magnets are key, You'll find traps that make you say "Gee!" Push, pull, and you think, You're avoiding the brink, Then a trapdoor drops you into debris. The warden, he loves to play games, With puzzles and tricks that cause flames. He'll laugh and he'll tease, While you beg him, "Oh, please, Just let me escape from these chains!" The puzzles are tricky and slick, With magnets that pull and then click. You must push, you must shove, All with a gentle glove, Or you'll fall to the lava real quick. There's a room with some boxes to slide, And magnets that push from the side. You line up your aim, But it's never the sameโ Suddenly you're on a lava ride.
Read more