I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve been a menace, a nuisance, a burden. Many times to this day, I just wished that I would die. But I selfishly go on living, haunted by my memories. The embarrassment, the shame, the guilt. I make efforts to change, but it usually ends up the same way. I get involved with people. People get hurt. I fall into despair. Unlike the club members, I’m not a good person. I’m not a cute anime character who believes in the goodness of others. I ghosted friends for the sake of convenience. I’m not someone who believes in the power of friendship. That isn’t the world we live in and I understand that. The sin remains, however. The sin of living in this world. It is real. I believe that. I know I did things that were wrong. I had to learn really hard lessons again and again and again. I’m a burden, a nuisance, a menace. That is my lot in life. There is nothing I can do about that. In the game, Keiichi gains atonement by admitting to what he had done. He owned up to it. He didn’t run away from the blame or shift it to others. This attitude allowed his friends to accept him. I think that is the final message of the game. Everyone comes together to accept each other's sin as one. I don’t have that luxury, so what do I do with this sin? What do I do with this guilt? Prior to playing Higurashi, it has been so bad. My life is so comfortable but I still have these demons blaring my past mistakes. I have to keep on living. I can’t kill myself. That isn’t the way out. I know that. That doesn’t solve anything. I need to experience what I am experiencing. I accept that. I can’t forget what I’ve done. I have to keep on living in spite of that. I have to try my best. Everyday. If I don’t try my best, then I just have to try again the next day. I can’t let my ego get in the way of doing what is right. I can’t let my self-satisfaction get in the way of doing what is right. I have to treat people better. I have to be less cold. I have to be more thoughtful of others. That is what the demons in my head are shouting at me to do. I can’t forget. Never forget. If I forget then I will hurt people again. If I forget I will have my guilt to deal with. What a predicament life is. We are trapped between living and doing what is right. But doing what is right is less about doing a certain thing and more about not doing a certain thing. A lot of the time the only way to learn is through trial and error, which is why forgiveness and atonement is such an important part of life. I’ve been neglecting this aspect without really even realizing it. Just like Keiichi and the others can gain atonement by acknowledging their mistakes, owning up to it, and seeking forgiveness, I have to do the same. Except instead of friends or family I have God, the Universe, the One, etc. I may be alone physically and emotionally, but I’m not alone spiritually. I know that. I believe that. God is there. There is a flow to life. I rejected it for a while, but now I accept it, and through acceptance comes clarity, and through clarity comes understanding, and through understanding comes wisdom. People’s lives are precious. Life in general is precious. I can’t demean others. I shouldn’t. All people are precious. Their feelings and emotions are precious. They should be taken seriously at all times. People’s lives matter, therefore their feelings and emotions matter. That is why I feel so guilty about the things that I’ve done. I’m sorry for the things that I’ve done. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. Where the characters of Higurashi protect their sanity and sense of self through maintaining close ties to their friends and family, I need to do the opposite. In order to prevent people from getting hurt, I need to hide myself. I shouldn’t be around people. I can’t get involved. I have to protect people from me. I’m not living in a fantasy world. I’m living in a place where I can seriously hurt someone if I’m not careful. I have to be careful. One car ride is all it takes to end in disaster. Vehicles are deadly machines. I must be careful at all times. I must choose my battles carefully. If I don’t it can be fatal. That’s the reality of the situation. I know that from experience. This is the life I’m supposed to live. I can still support people in my own way. I can raise my vibration by abstaining from certain activities. I can meditate. I can pray for people. I can accept people. I can be kind to people. At the end of the day that is all I can do. I believe in the characters of Higurashi when they say that a miracle can happen only if you believe. Somewhere along the way I gave up on myself in terms of some things. You have to pick your battles carefully, but you still have to pick your battles. There are still things that I can do that can help. I think I forgot about that somewhere along the way. I still have to fight, even in my own way. Higurashi either taught me this stuff or at the very least reminded me of it. Sin is a natural part of life. No one escapes it. The Western Religions aren’t wrong by indicating original sin. We naturally adopt sin by taking human form. There really isn’t any way to avoid that. All the things leading me up to this point have been teaching me to let go in one way or another. Sometimes I’m just changing hands. I’m letting go of one thing to take on something else. However, I can still continue to let go of some things. I want Higurashi to be the spark that lights my fire to do that. I want to look back a year from now and say that Higurashi was the catalyst for the positive changes in my life. I don’t know why entirely, but I want this experience to mean something. I want to keep fighting for a better future. I want to do my best to treat others with respect everyday in my own way. I want to let go of the things holding me back from achieving that. Thank you Higurashi. Thank you Ryushiki07. Thank you for writing this story. Thank you God for allowing me to experience such a story. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
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